The report (i) in 2009 that Gt. Britain was tilting (Scotland gaining altitude, Southern England losing it) plus the wetter, muddier conditions brought about by global warming have increased the chances of mountains sliding southwards across Gt Britain. Concerned about the possible effect that this new phenomenon may have upon the flat lands of East Anglia, pioneering volunteers have formed the Suffolk Mountain Rescue Team. Team Leader Pete Jennings explained that their aim will be to rescue any mountains that have broken loose and help them to relocate in the hillier parts of the South Coast where they will be much more at home. “The idea is to give them a helping push on their way. We are also negotiating with British Rail Freight to set up a ‘7 Day Mountain Pass’ ticket to keep them off the roads.”
“We will of course rescue any walkers, rock climbers or mountaineers who are feeling peaky trapped on them as well” Pete Jennings added. “Already the National Trust has allowed us to use Mound 2 at Sutton Hoo for abseiling training in the absence of any other hills in Suffolk, assisted by the French expert Madame Ava L’Anche. Meanwhile we are making a modest start: veteran Gran Ite and her team are repatriating rocks brought home by holiday makers back into their natural habitat by returning them by post in protective jiffy bags. It starts with the odd pebble but we have seen them get a little boulder recently.”
“Suffolk Mountain Rescue Team is available 24/7 except for Ipswich Town home games. We have had a few false alarms but better that, than to ignore genuine cases.” The team were recently spotted in their distinctive high altitude bobble hats, roped together on a window ledge in Christchurch Park. It turned out that a council workman was making mountains out of mole hills, but the team have been successful in rescuing a Suffolk couple suffering from altitude sickness on Bent Hill, Felixstowe.
Chief Fundraiser Cliff Fall is appealing for donations of more jiffy bags and postage stamps at the teams Alpe Street HQ in Ipswich, a stone’s throw from Norwich Road. There a retired vet is training mountain goats in rescuing. “They are much better at climbing than rescue dogs” said Al Pine, “and better also at carrying the small kegs of Adnam’s beer around their necks.”
Critics have attacked Norfolk for not taking the situation seriously. “They are just sticking their heads in the Yarmouth sand are hoping that any incoming mountains will fall into the sea like their eroding coastline” said an irate activist Mr I. Plummet (62). “I hope that people from around the country will add their support to Suffolk Mountain Rescue Team. They can take the plunge and join them for free by ‘liking’ this article on Cliff Facebook.”
A benefit rock concert is being held to fund the team with headliners the Rolling Stones and Dave Edmund’s Rockpile. However, an un-named spokesperson for the English Defence League threatened they would picket it: “These migrant mountains are coming down here and taking the jobs of hard working English Pennines” they said. “Some of them are also terrorists: we have already heard of a big one called Osama Ben Nevis.”
Meanwhile the East Anglian Tourist Board refused to comment on rumours that they have applied for outline planning permission to build a funicular railway, ski lodges and cable car system at an undisclosed location in Suffolk.
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